


Leave the Light On

by CorvusCorvidae



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Confessions, F/F, Roommates, doctor mechanic mentioned briefly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-05
Updated: 2016-07-05
Packaged: 2018-07-21 19:59:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7401799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CorvusCorvidae/pseuds/CorvusCorvidae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Raven and Lexa are roommates who confess their thoughts, fears, and secrets late at night.</p>
<p>Or, some confessions are easier than others, but good things don’t come easy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Leave the Light On

 

The apartment was cold, and a little dreary, as Raven came in. The weather outside wasn’t much different, but at least she was no longer being battered by the wind. 

Her shift that night had been long, she was tired, and in desperate need of a lie down. Her muscles ached, and her head was close to throbbing; all the signs of stress, but what did she expect? It’s not like her shift had been light. 

Opting to forgo a proper dinner, Raven grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge, before moving through the living room. From her quick glance around the apartment, she knew only Lexa was home. Octavia must have been staying with Lincoln again, as most of her stuff was out of sight, and that was just not the case when she was home.  

Confirming that thought, Raven checked Octavia’s room on her way to her own, and right enough, it was empty. The last door at the end of the hall was Lexa’s, and the light was on, as visible from under the door. 

And with that light on, that meant Lexa was awake. 

Awake and waiting. 

Kicking off her shoes, Raven dropped her jacket onto her bed, and began changing into pyjamas. She nipped to the bathroom quickly, shutting off all the lights as she went, before padding her way to Lexa’s door. 

There was no moment of hesitation on Raven’s part as she gently opened the door, seeing her roommate curled up on the right side of her bed, sitting up, laptop out. Lexa had her glasses on, reading something, and didn’t immediately notice the door open; but when Raven came in, closing the door behind her, she was met with a soft smile and a nod. 

While Raven moved to the other side of the bed, Lexa began shutting everything down, putting her papers and laptop on the floor, and her glasses on the bedside table. 

No words were needed as Raven climbed into the bed next to Lexa, like she did most nights Octavia was away. And Lexa had no words to add, either, as she ensured Raven had enough room, then moving to turn off the lamp. 

With that, the two of them were plunged into darkness. Briefly. Their eyes began to adjust, and soon they could see the familiar shadows of the room, from the picture frames on the wall to the clothes on the chair. 

It wasn’t going to be long before they began, any moment now, they were both just waiting for the right time, the right feeling before beginning. It was Lexa’s turn to start, which meant Raven was going to have to wait that little bit longer, like usual. But she was used to it. She knew what to expect now, as it certainly wasn’t her first rodeo. 

“I called Costia’s voicemail again today,” Lexa declared to the room, softly, with the shame seeping in, and Raven replied instantly, having anticipated her next move. 

“I fucked Clarke’s mom,” she said, and already, she could feel some of the weight off her shoulders. 

And so it had begun; night-time confessions. 

It had become their thing. From one night of too much drinking and too much honesty, it became some silly therapeutic thing they regularly did. So, on the long nights, heavy nights, where Octavia was out, Lexa would leave her light on, and Raven would come in.

It always had to be dark. They couldn't do it with the light on. 

They needed the darkness to hide the honesty, to pretend they weren't sharing some of the darker parts of who they were. And it worked, because come morning, they never spoke of them.

Everything that was said was said in confidence, and under no circumstances was it be mentioned outside of that bed. 

As of yet, no confessions, no secrets, had made their way out under daylight's harsh scrutiny. Both of them intended to keep it that way, too.  

So onward they went. 

“I thought I was stronger than this, but I needed to hear her,” Lexa went on to say, exasperated by that turn of events. 

“I shouldn’t have...but....Clarke will kill me if she ever finds out,” Raven added, frowning at what felt a lot like self-sabotage. 

“I still miss her, so much. It gets worse everyday.” Lexa finished. 

“I’m hoping I can just avoid Abby from here on out,” Raven followed.

It was short, it was to the point on both their parts, and with the ease of their bodies, it was done. 

Turning to look at each other, Lexa gave Raven a soft smile and shook her head.

“Keep your distance, and maybe try not to be around if Abby comes up in conversation?” Lexa offered.

“You’re not weak for wanting to hear her voice. Though, you should go see someone again, so you don’t hate yourself for still loving her,” Raven said, taking her turn to offer up some advice. 

They might not have made any indication they had heard the other speaking, but that was how this went. They’d vent, they’d release what had been bogging them down, and once it was all out there, they’d offer a little piece of advice. 

It was an open space for them, one free of judgement and accusations, and was the one thing keeping the two of them sane as of late. 

Once the confessions were over, Lexa would roll over, Raven would do the same, and they'd go to sleep. When Octavia asked why they shared a bed, if caught, they brushed it off, and changed the subject. 

By now, they were almost certain that Octavia thought they were screwing. Which, as lies went, it was an easy one to fall in line with. The fact that they were best friends hadn’t been bought the first few times they’d brought it up, so instead, they were resigned to just pretending Octavia was right. Sex, but not feelings. 

“Thank you,” Lexa murmured, and Raven gave her a soft smile in return. 

“You too.” 

Making that move to finish, Lexa reached across the bed, hand under the cover, and when she found Raven’s hand, she gave it a soft squeeze. And that was them. 

Lexa rolled over first, and Raven followed. 

Sweet and to the point, but exactly what they needed. 

*0*0*

Lincoln came to stay a few days, and Raven was almost considering just asking Lexa to have their confessions with them in the apartment. But thankfully, it didn't come to that. 

“I’m staying at Lincoln’s place, so you two can…” Octavia had said, her smile growing with each word, and Raven tried to make it seem like she was onto something. 

“Thanks, we need it,” she murmured, making sure Lexa couldn’t hear. 

“Figured as much.” 

Octavia didn’t say any more than that, and later that night, she left with a wink Raven’s way. Really, if Lexa and Raven had been screwing, Raven probably would have appreciated Octavia’s efforts to give them privacy. Given they weren’t, though, it all seemed so unnecessary. 

Unnecessary, but needed. 

By the time nine o’clock rolled around, the two of them were so built up, so ready to just have that quiet time, Lexa retired to bed, and Raven followed minutes after. 

The light was on, as usual. 

Lexa was on the right side of the bed, as usual. 

And the light went out once Raven was beside her, as usual. 

Now it was Raven’s turn to start. 

“My mom called...she’s out of rehab, but...I don’t...I can’t...” she sighed, her eyes still adjusting to the dark. 

“My therapist said I’m blaming myself for Costia’s death,” Lexa said, as if that was new information. 

“I don’t want to see her,” Raven added, shaking her head against the pillow, practically tasting the poison her mother emitted. 

“I do blame myself. It’s my fault.” Lexa rubbed her forehead, closing her eyes and taking a shaky breath. 

“If I don’t go see her, though, I’ll feel guilty, which is so stupid, because she didn’t feel guilty for abandoning me. And how is that fair?” Raven asked, swallowing the lump in her throat. 

“Costia would be alive right now if it wasn’t for me,” Lexa whispered. 

“Some days, I wonder if anyone will ever pick me first, or if I’m destined to be alone.” 

“Some days, I wish it had been me instead,” Lexa finished, and they both took a second to let that settle. 

Lexa final words had struck a chord with Raven, and she broke the routine by reaching across the bed now, her hand clasping Lexa’s, entwining their fingers. 

“You’re not to blame for Costia’s death,” she said, looking Lexa’s way in the dark, seeing the outline of her profile. 

“You shouldn’t feel guilty for not wanting to see your mother. She’s never been there for you,” Lexa said, looking right back.  

“And I’m sorry, Lex, but I’m glad it wasn’t you instead.” She really was. 

“Tell her you need more time, if you don’t want to see her, but don’t blame yourself for how this situation has played out. You didn’t do this,” Lexa explained, and Raven nodded, understanding that to be the case, but still not truly satisfied with it. 

“Thank you,” Raven said, making it clear she had heard enough, she had gotten the burden off her chest for now. 

“And you,” Lexa said, giving Raven’s hand a squeeze. 

And then she broke contact, rolling over, with Raven doing the same. 

It might have been early still, but sleep was easy to come by when so emotionally spent. 

*0*0*

“How was your night?” Octavia asked, smirking, the following day. 

Raven had returned from her shift, with Lexa still at work, and was trying to whip some food together. She hadn’t anticipated the inquisition while she tried, though. 

“It was good,” Raven said, with that being mostly true. 

Their confessions were always hard, heavy on them, but still good to air the burdens. 

“Just good? I thought Lexa would be an awesome lay,” Octavia mused, reaching over and pinching some of Raven’s food. She swatted her way, but was only met with a cheeky grin as Octavia popped the food in her mouth. 

“I don’t know, I don’t want to critique her,” Raven lied, shrugging. 

“Seriously? You’ve been screwing her for ages, and you’ve kept all the juicy details to yourself; time to share.” Octavia didn’t looked perturbed by Raven’s tense frame. 

“There’s nothing to share.” Nothing she could share. 

“Oh my god. You care about her,” Octavia gasped, dropping forward in her chair, practically leaning across the counter top.  

“What?  We’re friends.” 

“Who fuck.” 

“Octavia,” Raven sighed. 

“You can’t have feelings for her.” 

“What, why?” And why did it bother Raven so much that Octavia was saying so?

“Because it would never work out, and I don’t want to see you get hurt. Lexa is hung the fuck up on Costia, and I don’t see her ever getting over that.” 

“She’s working really hard on that, O. You know that.” 

“I do, but I also know Costia was the love of her life.” That made Raven bite her bottom lip, hard. She hid her face from Octavia’s watchful gaze by observing the pan on the cooker, and tried not to let those words hurt. 

“Well, what does it matter? We’re only fucking.” 

“Uh huh.” Fantastic, Octavia didn’t sound convinced. 

“Look, let’s just have some food.” 

Octavia gave her a soft smile as she got up, gathering cutlery and plates for them. It was a pity smile. Raven could see that a mile away, and she hated it. 

*0*0*

Following Octavia’s conversation, Raven did what she could to avoid being alone with Lexa. It had really made her consider whether she had feelings for Lexa that went beyond friendship. Why had she felt so annoyed about Octavia saying Lexa was still hung up on Costia, especially when Raven knew that to be true? Why did it matter at all who Lexa was hung up on? 

Why did Raven care? 

Cause she did, she cared, she really cared. And seeing Lexa, spending time with Lexa, it made her care more. It made her feel good. It made her laugh and smile, and she watched, raptured that Lexa smiled back, laughed along, and fuck, fuck, fuck. 

“Goodnight, Raven,” Lexa said, heading towards her bedroom, and Raven called goodnight after her. 

Octavia was out. 

It had been almost two weeks since their last confession, and Raven missed them, missed the intimacy of it all, missed Lexa. 

She followed, she saw the light on, she opened Lexa’s bedroom door, and the smile that met her was worth it. Even if Lexa confessed to falling in love with another girl, Raven knew that smile was worth the pain of those words. 

She was fucked. 

“You can start tonight,” Lexa murmured, turning the light off once they were both in bed. 

Raven wasn’t expecting to start, so took a second to plan what she was going to say. 

She couldn’t tell Lexa how she felt. For once, there was a secret she couldn’t declare. 

“I fucked Abby again,” she said instead, recalling her actions earlier on in the week. 

“I donated most of Costia’s belongings,” Lexa said, and Raven smiled into the dark, pleased to hear about that progress. 

“We were...I ran into her at the hospital. Things just spiralled,” Raven said, referring back to Abby. 

“My therapist says I’m making good progress,” Lexa murmured, her voice lowering. 

“Clarke still doesn’t know, thank fuck.” Raven would be dead if Clarke found out. 

“I’m not too sure. I think I could be doing better.” She sounded so hard on herself, Raven fought the instinct to reach out. 

“Abby is...she feels guilty too, but then we’re in an on-call room, and it’s like nothing outside that room matters.” And it’s a perfect distraction. 

“I want to start dating again,” Lexa said, voice stronger now. 

“You do?” Raven asked, breaking format again, and Lexa turned sharply to look at her, confused by the turn of events. 

“Yeah, I do,” Lexa repeated, nodding in the dark. 

“I just, sorry, I just was surprised,” Raven shrugged, licking her bottom lip and swallowing the dryness in her throat away. 

That wasn’t good news. 

It might have seemed like it, but it wasn’t. It wasn’t. 

Lexa dating didn’t mean dating her. 

“Yeah, so was my therapist,” Lexa said, dropping back into the pillow, facing the ceiling again. “But I think I’m ready. I love Costia, and I always will, but we had our time together. Now I need to...I have so much love to give and to offer, and I want that with someone else. I want that feeling again, I want that intimacy, I want that vulnerability.” 

“Me too,” Raven whispered, and this time Lexa reached across the bed first, but instead of it being one hand, she shuffled her whole body until she was hugging Raven. 

“You need to stop fucking Abby. It’ll hurt Clarke, and you’re just hurting yourself,” Lexa said, into the embrace, and Raven nodded. 

She knew as much. 

“I hope you find the girl who can give you all those things,” Raven said, catching Lexa’s gaze in the dark. 

“Me too.” 

*0*0*

In the weeks that followed, Raven kept to her word, she stopped fucking Abby. They might have seen each other at the hospital several times a week, but she made it clear they couldn't anymore. It was the right move. 

Then came Octavia, who was watching the two of them like a hawk. 

“Don’t do anything stupid,” she whispered, all sing-song like, hiding the words behind a smile, and Raven wanted to punch her. 

“Bit late for that,” she replied, actually admitting that yes, she was in too deep. 

It was getting to her, too. 

Lexa continued to leave her light on, on the nights Octavia was out at Lincoln’s, and Raven continued to crawl in beside her, and they’d talk about what had been bothering them. Only, Raven was struggling. 

Their nightly sessions had always been about honesty, about being open and truthful, and how could Raven do that when she was hiding her biggest burden? How could she be open and honest and truthful when she was lying to Lexa’s face? 

It needed to stop. It needed to change. 

That night, Octavia was out again, and Raven held back in the hallway, seeing the light on under Lexa’s door. She had to make a decision. She had to own up to what was going on. 

Opening the door, Lexa gave her a soft smile and patted the bed, welcoming her in. That eased Raven’s nerves, and the shaking in her hands was almost unnoticeable. 

With the light out, it was time to start. 

Lexa had gone first last time, talking about this girl she’d went to coffee with. It hadn’t been fun. Something had been missing. It was a good start, though. So tonight, it was Raven’s turn. 

“I think I’m in love with my roommate,” Raven said, boldly, bravely, stoic and still in the bed, plunging in headfirst. 

It wasn’t a second later before Lexa spoke. 

“I think my roommate is in love with me,” she said, and Raven took a slow breath, waiting to see where this might go. 

“I don’t think she likes me back,” she confessed, frowning, because she couldn’t be sure when it came to Lexa. That night, a few weeks ago, in that very bed, it had felt like maybe...

“I think I like her back,” Lexa said, and Raven’s shaky breath was audible.  

“I don’t want to ruin our friendship,” she was quick to say. 

“I don’t want to ruin our friendship,” Lexa repeated. 

“But some risks are worth taking.” They had to be. 

“But she’s worth the risk,” Lexa said, boldly, bravely, stoic and still in the bed. 

“Our friends think I’m crazy,” Raven laughed, humorlessly. 

“Our friends don’t know how I feel about her.” That was a given. 

“They think any relationship between us would fall apart.” Octavia thought having sex was fine, but heaven forbid it actually involve feelings. 

“They would think I was rebounding after Costia.” And that hurt, because Raven had considered that, too. 

“What if they’re right?” Raven asked. 

“What if they’re right?” Lexa repeated, feeling the same way. 

“I don’t want to lose her.” And that was the crux of the matter. 

“I don’t want her to think I’m using her.” 

“But I want her,” Raven finished, slowing. “I want that love, I want that intimacy, I want that vulnerability, and I want it with her.” 

“Me too,” Lexa said, echoing the meaning from the other night, the night that had given Raven so much hope. 

And that made Raven smile, laugh even, with Lexa following suit. 

This was one confession that neither of them were going to shy away from come morning. This one could see the light of day. This one would flourish under such exposure, and grow into something so much more. No longer would it be dirty and shameful, but strong, powerful, creating the foundation to a healthy and happy relationship. It was the only confession worth confessing, worth acting on, and with a simple look, Lexa and Raven both knew they’d made the right decision. 

For once, their honesty would get them everything, rather than nothing.

*0*0*


End file.
